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This last weekend, I succumbed to asking and buying an Adderall from a friend. My excuse: I had a lot of homework to do, and I would only do one for the extent purpose of getting homework done. I did get it all done, but even that small dose awoke the “more-ish” devil that anyone who has experience with amphetamines understands.
This led to me asking to do a line when one of my friends who I was hanging out with who I saw do a line from across the room. My friends occasionally do Adderall, but they know not to offer it to me. I was craving a line badly because of the pill I took earlier wearing off. He reluctantly crushed up a pill and handed me the lines and a tooter on a book. I ended up doing 100 mg total last night/this morning, the last dose being a 30 mg XR I swallowed around 8:30 AM today.
The renewal date on my script has already passed, and I have been successful in ensuring I don’t call to have it refilled. This weekend I was reminded again that no matter what size dose I excuse myself into taking, it sets off the addictive habits regardless. No more.
Hello, my name is Christopher Weber, and I am an Adderaholic. I’ve honestly been one since my first addy, but I wouldn’t know I was hooked until I was in deep. This is my blog about my addiction, a diary about the life of an Adderaholic, and I’d like to tell you my story.
Now, this isn’t a sob story about how I fucked that all up, because I didn’t. What this is my story about becoming addicted to amphetamines, and how that has stifled a lot of the progress I could have made in my life, as well as how drugs became the center of my life.
Names of people in this story and across the site have been changed for anonymity purposes, but all stories posted are my 100% true accounts of what transpired.
Fall 2011: My First Pill
On the fall season of 2011, I was a junior in high school. I had always been good at school, and had only experimented with the classics: booze and weed. I was in high-level math classes and was involved in the school band and several organizations. My parents were proud of what I was achieving. Simply put, life was good.
I had always been curious about psychoactive drugs, and their effects. After all, I discovered what they tell you about weed was complete bullshit. What other propaganda had I been taught, I wondered. One day, my friend “E” and I were shooting the shit, and he mentioned something about ADHD medications being stimulants that people could catch a nice rush from. My curiosity led me to asking him to let me try one of his pills. He did not like taking them anyways, so he gave me three. Looking up the pill online, I found out it was methylphenidate (Ritalin). I took them home and waited until I arrived at school the next morning to take them.
About fifteen minutes into my first class, which happened to be Accounting 101, I felt a warm, tingly sensation titrate over my entire body, making my hair feel as though it was standing up. Then I felt like my surroundings became much sharper, and my general mood quickly went from good to amazing. In class, we were doing a large accounting simulation. My best friend at the time, “M” commented on how energetic I was acting. Being that M and I had been friends for ages and both shared a curiosity regarding drugs, I gave him one of the pills and told him about the effects. Later that day he commented on how great his effects from the pill were, something about performing like a pro in gym class.
I knew I liked this stuff. I continued to receive pills from E until his mom found out his bottle was way too low, and that someone was taking pills. I forgot about doing stimulants at all until years later, after graduating high school.
Summer 2013: Reunited For Good
In June of 2013, I graduated high school with honors as a Summa Cum Laude. Life was looking upward. I had finally turned 18, and was determined to make the most of my summer. I was finally an adult, and it was time to party. I had partied a little during high school, but M spent a lot of his senior year getting into the party scene at the large university he was attending come fall. Almost every day we either partied, got drunk, or did whatever pharmaceuticals we Midwestern kids could get ahold of.
One day, M told me he was going to see a doctor about his “ADHD.” He told me how easily a person could fake the symptoms and be prescribed pharmaceutical stimulants. Later that day, we were hanging out and he pulled out his brand new bottle of amphetamines, paid for in full by insurance. He pulled out his pill crusher (we did benzos and opiates often), and poured a capsule’s worth of beads in. He laid out two 15 milligram lines, and rolled a twenty-dollar bill for a tooter. Bon’ appetite, and up my nose it went. Within less than a minute, I felt a somewhat similar feeling to my other stimulant experience, but I felt way more more pleasure. And the euphoria just stayed there for almost five hours. Something in my brain was awoken, and it was hungry for speed.
I started buying pills from M, and was doing addies several times a week. M and I worked together at a large grocery store nearby, and we would snort lines of addy in his car during our lunch breaks. I was feeling great, all of the time. Addiction would have been the last thing to cross my mind.
Winter 2013: Doc, I Can’t Focus
My friend began using the pills more himself, and the popularity of Adderall as a recreational drug was just beginning to emerge. This meant my $1-3 pills were going for $5. Five dollars? This addiction was not going to feed itself. I needed a constant supply, so I decided it was time to see my doctor about the ADD I had been repressing for 18 years of my life.
My regular doctor referred me to a psychiatrist after hearing my symptoms. When I called to make my psychiatry appointment, I was told I could either see a “prescriber” or seek “therapy only” treatment. Stunned by how obvious the first route seemed, I chose prescriber and scheduled my first meeting with the woman who would unknowingly become my speed dealer for the next two and a half years (she still hasn’t a clue in the slightest). I will reference her as Doctor B.
When arrived at my appointment with Dr. B, I was asked a series of questions. “Do you have trouble paying attention?” yes. “Do you feel restless when sitting too long?” yes, yes, etc. I was told I would receive a call with her results on the session. The next day, I was antsy, waiting for good news to call. I got a call from Dr. B telling me I “show several ADD symptoms,” and that she was prescribing me Adderall XR 10 mg capsules, and we would meet again in a month to see how it goes. This was a small dose, but a victory for the novice tweaker I was. That script lasted maybe two whole weeks.
The 1-month marker came along, and I told Dr. B the meds were not doing anything. She proceeded to offer two options: increase the dose or try Concerta (methylphenidate) or a new SNRI-based ADHD drug called Effexor. Without batting an eye, I chose the former and came out with a bottle of 20 mg XRs.
The next month I told her the dose was working to avoid suspicion, but the following month I said it stopped working and was put on 30 mg XR without question. What more could an “uppers-guy” want? I had nearly 1 whole gram (900 mg) of amphetamines at my disposal each and every month, for a whopping $7.00 after insurance. One nice thing about being addicted to RX meds is that insurance will help a brother stay high. Oh, the American health system at its finest. I didn’t care if I was one of the several people pharmaceutical corporations secretly know will become addicted to their products. I was getting high at my disposal, that’s what mattered.
2014 – Current: Addiction
I have continued to abuse my script in large-dose, multiple-day binges on a monthly basis since my second dosage increase. A week or two of reckless stimulant binges followed by a week or two of narcoleptic withdrawals. When it was script day, the cycle would repeat. Occasionally I met with Dr. B, always telling her the meds were working wonders. If only she knew any of it.
From the middle of August until late November I was able to completely stop taking Adderall for almost 3 months, which is the longest I have ever made it trying to quit this sinister drug. The withdrawals sucked only because I had 10 hour days to work right after crashing hard.
What really gets you is the overwhelmingly intense cravings that really don’t become so powerful until weeks after not taking amphetamines. Spending 4-5 days in a row dreaming about doing a bunch of addy, and then waking up realizing you have none and becoming really on edge. I’m absoloutely fucking sick of this drug having more power over my life than me, the one who’s living it. Fighting the psychological cravings is hard. It feels like somebody is in my head trying, at the most random moments, to talk you into just one little dose, for old time’s sake. “It can’t hurt, I can control myself with a small dose.” Within 6 hours I am doing 30-40mg every few hours and end up awake for 2 or 3 days. I’ve given in too many times to see the same fucking result.
I am also noticing that being on this drug is straining my relationship with my family and friends. I am either depressed, lethargic and don’t want to do nearly anything; or I am too amped up to just chill and watch a movie. I’ll end up on the computer for 16-30 hours in a given binge and I am just short, non-conversational and non-emotional with them even if they are just trying to talk to me or bring me food or something nice. This is what has really been the last straw for me lately. I know that 2-3 weeks off of it and I can actually enjoy a good time without fiending around the clock. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel, yet I convince myself to walk the opposite direction.
Instead of spending as much quality time as I would have liked to with my family who I don’t see often this winter, I spend 15+ hours on the computer designing a website so tweaked that I had no actual written content, just a layout. Mind that my family is home and I chewed my own mother out for trying to persuade me to come eat dinner out with them since I skipped breakfast and lunch too. She’s never acted upset with how I react so insensitively to her caring gestires. That’s probably why I feel so bad about it. I would never act that way if I wasn’t tweaked out. I am disgusted with myself for becoming like this, yet a few days off the drug and I realize it was all the drugs.
Because I cannot resist calling my psychiatrist for a refill eventually, and then fail my plans to moderate my usage from the second the first pill takes effect leading to a 3-5 day bender and subsequent crash, I am sending her a letter saying I am abusing my medication and that I should never be allowed to have it as a prescription again. Me and speed are from 0-120 MPH, and there is no speed in between. I hate slowing down, and I love getting jacked up. That’s why I have to leave this part of my life behind. It is just so much harder to quit than I could have ever imagined. A little speed habit can turn nasty after a few years.
Unfortunately, I have relapsed since posting this. Wish me luck.
After being addicted to Adderall for 2.5 years now, I have seen past the rosy-cheeked aura of Adderall. I have hallucinated and gone sleepless for over 100 straight hours. I have seen the shadow people. But even worse, I have seen this pill slowly kill my soul. I find myself always thinking, “Adderall! Adderall! Adderall!” and not thinking about what really should matter most in my life. I’m serious about getting off speed after this binge. Restful Christmas and a appetite-full New Year.
Why I’m Quitting for Good
I have tried several times to just take my pills as prescribed, but once I begin to feel the speed, there is no stopping an adderaholic. I’ve spent countless hours pondering the situation, and have finally accepted the fact that I cant take amphetamine responsibly. I am an addict, and I must quit by making this my last script; by making 2015 end with my addiction.
After quitting Adderall a few times for more than 30 days, I have come to realize the withdrawal itself brings me fatigue, slight depression, and no motivation for maybe 1-2 weeks. That part is the easy part. What’s tough is the middle-of-the-night dreams about Adderall. The countless times I tell myself, “this would be so much better on Adderall,” or, “you’re not half the person you are on the addies.” The psychological addiction persists much longer, and that will present the biggest challenge. But enough sappy shit. I’m ready to do this, now on to having myself one more binge. Let’s get fucking spun!
^ me currently
The Last 7 Days
I awoke this morning around 11:00, having slept a solid 11 hours for the first time since last Monday, when I picked up the month’s usual Adderall script. It’s always 28 30mg XR capsules. While I was paying at the pharmacy counter, I kept telling myself, “This time you can do it. You can manage taking your meds as prescribed.” Not surprisingly, I was as delusional as any tweaker regarding my self-control.
Throughout the time since my last script I have pulled 3 all-nighters doing coding and playing video games. During all that I managed to have a productive work day and aced the shit out of my accounting exam. Tonight, exactly one week later I have 7 capsules left. I took one late this morning to get me going for my chemistry exam, then crushed and parachuted another 30 milligrams, once at 4, and once at 9.
30mg oral 11:00 AM
30mg crushed 4:00 PM
30mg crushed 9:00 PM
I was feeling the comedown hard even after my 6 PM dose kicked in. I decided tonight would be the night for the beginning of the end of my speed-freakin days. Around 10:30 PM, I popped 2 30mg XRs, which have kicked in being that it’s just past midnight now. I am ready for the night ahead, that’s a given.
60mg oral 11:00 PM
60mg oral 12:50 AM
60mg oral 9:32 AM
Been off the addies for a few weeks now. Gotten past the withdrawals worst phase. Now I’m just chillin with old friends and getting blitzed on dank cheeba.