Progress At an Addict’s Pace

This last week, I was again due for a refill on my insurance-funded amphetamine ration (a month’s worth of 30mg XR’s). I have found that the demand for the ‘medicine’ which I am prescribed is alive and well. I managed to rid myself of all but 8 of those pills, which I took in a 3-day binge ending today with my final dose of 30mg at about 9:30 this morning.

Compared to 3 years of doing my entire script, this is progress. I would like to be completely off amphetamines, but going from using my script and buying 2-3 other scripts to doing 2-8 pills a month, this is progress. The withdrawals and intensity of addiction symptoms have reduced dramatically, and I feel a sense of having a personality again.

All that aside, I did genuinely feel great enjoyment from the Adderall I was able to indulge in. Today, ending the binge, marks the usual time in which I continue to indulge regardless of the huge negative side-effects of staying up for a week to avoid coming down from speed’s cloud nine. At the same time, I realize how inaccurate the cravings I have for Adderall are compared to the reality of an addiction where I am chasing a high that I haven’t felt since my first handful of times with the substance.

That’s really all that keeps us from achieving freedom from amphetamines or other hard drugs. I still can recall in crystal-clear detail the absolute bliss I felt during my first few highs on amphetamine, and the godlike pleasure and feeling of being the master of the world that the first year of experiences with this substance gave me. No matter the amount of time between doses of amphetamine, these honeymoon highs it once gave me are never going to come back. The hope for this return is really the root of addiction in my mind. It’s like a bad relationship. Delusional psychological glorification of a once great relationship keep hope alive that the spark comes back, yet every time disappointment rules supreme.

Everyday life often fails to meet your brain’s altered sense of what thrill and excitement are. Hell, when a chemical can provide dopamine release 15 times more intense than sex, it is hard to adjust to normal levels of reward system function that pale in comparison to the feeling of ultimate stimulant euphoria that amphetamines elicit. At the same time, some moments in life begin to have color again when away from this drug, and those emotions completely outdo the synthetic state amphetamines produce. The challenge is knowing this when you are underwhelmed or bored. Dealing with these states of mind are the most difficult. I still haven’t found a solution to boredom other than social contact and using other, less harmful substances like weed and alcohol to fill the gaping hole of a lack of stimulation. There is no natural way that much dopamine is ever going to be released again, and quitting amphetamines is basically a process of teaching your brain to accept that what is considered enjoyment should not be compared with speed-induced dopamine surges.

Surviving Off This Shit

The hardest part about this all is the constant brain fog and feeling “not in sync” with the pace of the world at all. I have come to accept this is something I have to face if I’m to quit this drug. It’s going to take a while to feel “as motivated as I once was”, which is something I don’t have much memories of after being hooked for 4 years now.

I just need to remember to take each day at a time. Simple tasks will be excessively draining. Every part of me will be screaming to cure all the lethargy with a pill. I know where that leads. I’m sick of feeling trapped in a cycle, and it’s time I am manning up and learning how to achieve things in my life without a pill. That’s going to require some self-discipline, which is the real only way, but is by no means easy.

I’ll keep this blog updated with what’s up every week or so. Eventually, my hope is to make this a great place for resources on harm reduction with Adderall use or quitting if you have a problem or are finding Adderall is causing problems in your life. As of now, I am still in the midst of quitting myself, as my life is on the verge of falling apart if I don’t. I find that even having this blog to look back on myself reminds me of why I need to do this, and I hope it helps you too.

Always feel free to contribute a story to the blog!

February Frustration

This last weekend, I succumbed to asking and buying an Adderall from a friend. My excuse: I had a lot of homework to do, and I would only do one for the extent purpose of getting homework done. I did get it all done, but even that small dose awoke the “more-ish” devil that anyone who has experience with amphetamines understands.

This led to me asking to do a line when one of my friends who I was hanging out with who I saw do a line from across the room. My friends occasionally do Adderall, but they know not to offer it to me. I was craving a line badly because of the pill I took earlier wearing off. He reluctantly crushed up a pill and handed me the lines and a tooter on a book. I ended up doing 100 mg total last night/this morning, the last dose being a 30 mg XR I swallowed around 8:30 AM today.

The renewal date on my script has already passed, and I have been successful in ensuring I don’t call to have it refilled. This weekend I was reminded again that no matter what size dose I excuse myself into taking, it sets off the addictive habits regardless. No more.

This Time I’m Determined To Quit!

The Predicament

From the middle of August until late November I was able to completely stop taking Adderall for almost 3 months, which is the longest I have ever made it trying to quit this sinister drug. The withdrawals sucked only because I had 10 hour days to work right after crashing hard.

What really gets you is the overwhelmingly intense cravings that really don’t become so powerful until weeks after not taking amphetamines. Spending 4-5 days in a row dreaming about doing a bunch of addy, and then waking up realizing you have none and becoming really on edge. I’m absoloutely fucking sick of this drug having more power over my life than me, the one who’s living it. Fighting the psychological cravings is hard. It feels like somebody is in my head trying, at the most random moments, to talk you into just one little dose, for old time’s sake. “It can’t hurt, I can control myself with a small dose.” Within 6 hours I am doing 30-40mg every few hours and end up awake for 2 or 3 days. I’ve given in too many times to see the same fucking result.

Relationships

I am also noticing that being on this drug is straining my relationship with my family and friends. I am either depressed, lethargic and don’t want to do nearly anything; or I am too amped up to just chill and watch a movie. I’ll end up on the computer for 16-30 hours in a given binge and I am just short, non-conversational and non-emotional with them even if they are just trying to talk to me or bring me food or something nice. This is what has really been the last straw for me lately. I know that 2-3 weeks off of it and I can actually enjoy a good time without fiending around the clock. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel, yet I convince myself to walk the opposite direction.

Instead of spending as much quality time as I would have liked to with my family who I don’t see often this winter, I spend 15+ hours on the computer designing a website so tweaked that I had no actual written content, just a layout. Mind that my family is home and I chewed my own mother out for trying to persuade me to come eat dinner out with them since I skipped breakfast and lunch too. She’s never acted upset with how I react so insensitively to her caring gestires. That’s probably why I feel so bad about it. I would never act that way if I wasn’t tweaked out. I am disgusted with myself for becoming like this, yet a few days off the drug and I realize it was all the drugs.

The Plan

Because I cannot resist calling my psychiatrist for a refill eventually, and then fail my plans to moderate my usage from the second the first pill takes effect leading to a 3-5 day bender and subsequent crash, I am sending her a letter saying I am abusing my medication and that I should never be allowed to have it as a prescription again. Me and speed are from 0-120 MPH, and there is no speed in between. I hate slowing down, and I love getting jacked up. That’s why I have to leave this part of my life behind. It is just so much harder to quit than I could have ever imagined. A little speed habit can turn nasty after a few years.

‘My Last’ Adderall Binge

Unfortunately, I have relapsed since posting this. Wish me luck.

My final Adderall binge, EVER.

After being addicted to Adderall for 2.5 years now, I have seen past the rosy-cheeked aura of Adderall. I have hallucinated and gone sleepless for over 100 straight hours. I have seen the shadow people. But even worse, I have seen this pill slowly kill my soul. I find myself always thinking, “Adderall! Adderall! Adderall!” and not thinking about what really should matter most in my life. I’m serious about getting off speed after this binge. Restful Christmas and a appetite-full New Year.

 

AdderallXR8
30mg Adderall XR My Speed of Choice

 

Why I’m Quitting for Good

I have tried several times to just take my pills as prescribed, but once I begin to feel the speed, there is no stopping an adderaholic. I’ve spent countless hours pondering the situation, and have finally accepted the fact that I cant take amphetamine responsibly. I am an addict, and I must quit by making this my last script; by making 2015 end with my addiction.

After quitting Adderall a few times for more than 30 days, I have come to realize the withdrawal itself brings me fatigue, slight depression, and no motivation for maybe 1-2 weeks. That part is the easy part. What’s tough is the middle-of-the-night dreams about Adderall. The countless times I tell myself, “this would be so much better on Adderall,” or, “you’re not half the person you are on the addies.” The psychological addiction persists much longer, and that will present the biggest challenge. But enough sappy shit. I’m ready to do this, now on to having myself one more binge. Let’s get fucking spun!

image

^ me currently

The Last 7 Days

I awoke this morning around 11:00, having slept a solid 11 hours for the first time since last Monday, when I picked up the month’s usual Adderall script. It’s always 28 30mg XR capsules. While I was paying at the pharmacy counter, I kept telling myself, “This time you can do it. You can manage taking your meds as prescribed.” Not surprisingly, I was as delusional as any tweaker regarding my self-control.

Throughout the time since my last script I have pulled 3 all-nighters doing coding and playing video games. During all that I managed to have a productive work day and aced the shit out of my accounting exam. Tonight, exactly one week later I have 7 capsules left. I took one late this morning to get me going for my chemistry exam, then crushed and parachuted another 30 milligrams, once at 4, and once at 9.

30mg oral          11:00 AM
30mg crushed    4:00 PM
30mg crushed    9:00 PM

12:08 AM
I was feeling the comedown hard even after my 6 PM dose kicked in. I decided tonight would be the night for the beginning of the end of my speed-freakin days. Around 10:30 PM, I popped 2 30mg XRs, which have kicked in being that it’s just past midnight now. I am ready for the night ahead, that’s a given.

60mg oral        11:00 PM
60mg oral        12:50 AM
60mg oral          9:32 AM