I Can’t Live Like This Anymore

It’s confession time. I have been coming to the realization lately that my problem with amphetamines is not going to go away even though I’ve made my mind up that I need to quit this shit. Let this serve as kind of a low-point in my dignity, but also a time to set some goals.

After abusing a good 14-16 30mg XRs from my script, I crashed hard the next day. Why is it that I always come back even though it takes forever for me to gain my natural energy back. So, what I really feel bad about is stealing 15-20 10mg Adderall tablets from a family member over the course of this Easter weekend. Once I got going I had no control, and my mind was focused on MORE ADDERALL more than it was enjoying the company of my family.

Other Issues

Some other issues my recent spike in abuse has brought upon are:

  • Losing weight (down to 140 from 150’ish)
  • Seriously whacked sleep schedule
  • Strained social life
  • Strained family life
  • Lack of any control whatsoever with amphetamine
  • School performance suffering greatly

I want my freedom back.

My use has gotten so bad that within the last year I started stealing my family member’s Adderall every time I visit, and at least pull one all-nighter. It disgusts me that I have come to rationalize this, and how much I use my family to feed this nightmare of an addiction.

I want back the days where I would come home and genuinely have my top priority be to spend time with my family and friends. Nowadays I’ll steal a dozen tablets, pop them, and become anti-social and work on shit for 12-14 hours. Nothing that ends up being meaningful the next day, though…

My life no longer has that genuine happy spark it used to. I’m either tired/unstimulated or I’m spun, and neither state is the real me. Much like a zombie I mindlessly consume these pills chasing a high that’s been gone since 2013.

What should I do?

Let my doctor know I abuse Adderall so she won’t prescribe me it anymore?

I definitely need to do this, as it would cut off my main supply. I can go weeks without Adderall but knowing it’s past the refill date and I could have a whole bottle of amphetamines in an hour is too tempting.

Join Narcotics Anonymous or Outpatient Rehab?

I have long been skeptical on whether or not I really need something this serious to get off these pills. I’m a full-time college student who works part time, and I’m not sure full-fledged meetings/appointments are what I’m ready for.

Tell my parents EVERYTHING.

I have been harboring this addiction from my family for over 4 years now. I just have not had the courage to face this problem of mine honestly and get support from those who care more for me than anyone in the world. I know they’ll be disappointed, but my parents would be hurt by the fact that I felt I couldn’t come to them for help with problems, especially one like this. I don’t know how to bring up this conversation.

Progress At an Addict’s Pace

This last week, I was again due for a refill on my insurance-funded amphetamine ration (a month’s worth of 30mg XR’s). I have found that the demand for the ‘medicine’ which I am prescribed is alive and well. I managed to rid myself of all but 8 of those pills, which I took in a 3-day binge ending today with my final dose of 30mg at about 9:30 this morning.

Compared to 3 years of doing my entire script, this is progress. I would like to be completely off amphetamines, but going from using my script and buying 2-3 other scripts to doing 2-8 pills a month, this is progress. The withdrawals and intensity of addiction symptoms have reduced dramatically, and I feel a sense of having a personality again.

All that aside, I did genuinely feel great enjoyment from the Adderall I was able to indulge in. Today, ending the binge, marks the usual time in which I continue to indulge regardless of the huge negative side-effects of staying up for a week to avoid coming down from speed’s cloud nine. At the same time, I realize how inaccurate the cravings I have for Adderall are compared to the reality of an addiction where I am chasing a high that I haven’t felt since my first handful of times with the substance.

That’s really all that keeps us from achieving freedom from amphetamines or other hard drugs. I still can recall in crystal-clear detail the absolute bliss I felt during my first few highs on amphetamine, and the godlike pleasure and feeling of being the master of the world that the first year of experiences with this substance gave me. No matter the amount of time between doses of amphetamine, these honeymoon highs it once gave me are never going to come back. The hope for this return is really the root of addiction in my mind. It’s like a bad relationship. Delusional psychological glorification of a once great relationship keep hope alive that the spark comes back, yet every time disappointment rules supreme.

Everyday life often fails to meet your brain’s altered sense of what thrill and excitement are. Hell, when a chemical can provide dopamine release 15 times more intense than sex, it is hard to adjust to normal levels of reward system function that pale in comparison to the feeling of ultimate stimulant euphoria that amphetamines elicit. At the same time, some moments in life begin to have color again when away from this drug, and those emotions completely outdo the synthetic state amphetamines produce. The challenge is knowing this when you are underwhelmed or bored. Dealing with these states of mind are the most difficult. I still haven’t found a solution to boredom other than social contact and using other, less harmful substances like weed and alcohol to fill the gaping hole of a lack of stimulation. There is no natural way that much dopamine is ever going to be released again, and quitting amphetamines is basically a process of teaching your brain to accept that what is considered enjoyment should not be compared with speed-induced dopamine surges.

February Frustration

This last weekend, I succumbed to asking and buying an Adderall from a friend. My excuse: I had a lot of homework to do, and I would only do one for the extent purpose of getting homework done. I did get it all done, but even that small dose awoke the “more-ish” devil that anyone who has experience with amphetamines understands.

This led to me asking to do a line when one of my friends who I was hanging out with who I saw do a line from across the room. My friends occasionally do Adderall, but they know not to offer it to me. I was craving a line badly because of the pill I took earlier wearing off. He reluctantly crushed up a pill and handed me the lines and a tooter on a book. I ended up doing 100 mg total last night/this morning, the last dose being a 30 mg XR I swallowed around 8:30 AM today.

The renewal date on my script has already passed, and I have been successful in ensuring I don’t call to have it refilled. This weekend I was reminded again that no matter what size dose I excuse myself into taking, it sets off the addictive habits regardless. No more.

My Adderall Story

Hello, my name is Christopher Weber, and I am an Adderaholic. I’ve honestly been one since my first addy, but I wouldn’t know I was hooked until I was in deep. This is my blog about my addiction, a diary about the life of an Adderaholic, and I’d like to tell you my story.

Now, this isn’t a sob story about how I fucked that all up, because I didn’t. What this is my story about becoming addicted to amphetamines, and how that has stifled a lot of the progress I could have made in my life, as well as how drugs became the center of my life.


Names of people in this story and across the site have been changed for
anonymity purposes, but all stories posted are my 100% true accounts of
what transpired.

Fall 2011: My First Pill

On the fall season of 2011, I was a junior in high school. I had always been good at school, and had only experimented with the classics: booze and weed. I was in high-level math classes and was involved in the school band and several organizations. My parents were proud of what I was achieving. Simply put, life was good.

I had always been curious about psychoactive drugs, and their effects. After all, I discovered what they tell you about weed was complete bullshit. What other propaganda had I been taught, I wondered. One day, my friend “E” and I were shooting the shit, and he mentioned something about ADHD medications being stimulants that people could catch a nice rush from. My curiosity led me to asking him to let me try one of his pills. He did not like taking them anyways, so he gave me three. Looking up the pill online, I found out it was methylphenidate (Ritalin). I took them home and waited until I arrived at school the next morning to take them.

About fifteen minutes into my first class, which happened to be Accounting 101, I felt a warm, tingly sensation titrate over my entire body, making my hair feel as though it was standing up. Then I felt like my surroundings became much sharper, and my general mood quickly went from good to amazing. In class, we were doing a large accounting simulation. My best friend at the time, “M” commented on how energetic I was acting. Being that M and I had been friends for ages and both shared a curiosity regarding drugs, I gave him one of the pills and told him about the effects. Later that day he commented on how great his effects from the pill were, something about performing like a pro in gym class.

I knew I liked this stuff. I continued to receive pills from E until his mom found out his bottle was way too low, and that someone was taking pills. I forgot about doing stimulants at all until years later, after graduating high school.


Summer 2013: Reunited For Good

In June of 2013, I graduated high school with honors as a Summa Cum Laude. Life was looking upward. I had finally turned 18, and was determined to make the most of my summer. I was finally an adult, and it was time to party. I had partied a little during high school, but M spent a lot of his senior year getting into the party scene at the large university he was attending come fall. Almost every day we either partied, got drunk, or did whatever pharmaceuticals we Midwestern kids could get ahold of.

One day, M told me he was going to see a doctor about his “ADHD.” He told me how easily a person could fake the symptoms and be prescribed pharmaceutical stimulants. Later that day, we were hanging out and he pulled out his brand new bottle of amphetamines, paid for in full by insurance. He pulled out his pill crusher (we did benzos and opiates often), and poured a capsule’s worth of beads in. He laid out two 15 milligram lines, and rolled a twenty-dollar bill for a tooter. Bon’ appetite, and up my nose it went. Within less than a minute, I felt a somewhat similar feeling to my other stimulant experience, but I felt way more more pleasure. And the euphoria just stayed there for almost five hours. Something in my brain was awoken, and it was hungry for speed.

I started buying pills from M, and was doing addies several times a week. M and I worked together at a large grocery store nearby, and we would snort lines of addy in his car during our lunch breaks. I was feeling great, all of the time. Addiction would have been the last thing to cross my mind.


Winter 2013: Doc, I Can’t Focus

My friend began using the pills more himself, and the popularity of Adderall as a recreational drug was just beginning to emerge. This meant my $1-3 pills were going for $5. Five dollars? This addiction was not going to feed itself. I needed a constant supply, so I decided it was time to see my doctor about the ADD I had been repressing for 18 years of my life.

My regular doctor referred me to a psychiatrist after hearing my symptoms. When I called to make my psychiatry appointment, I was told I could either see a “prescriber” or seek “therapy only” treatment. Stunned by how obvious the first route seemed, I chose prescriber and scheduled my first meeting with the woman who would unknowingly become my speed dealer for the next two and a half years (she still hasn’t a clue in the slightest). I will reference her as Doctor B.

When arrived at my appointment with Dr. B, I was asked a series of questions. “Do you have trouble paying attention?” yes. “Do you feel restless when sitting too long?” yes, yes, etc. I was told I would receive a call with her results on the session. The next day, I was antsy, waiting for good news to call. I got a call from Dr. B telling me I “show several ADD symptoms,” and that she was prescribing me Adderall XR 10 mg capsules, and we would meet again in a month to see how it goes. This was a small dose, but a victory for the novice tweaker I was. That script lasted maybe two whole weeks.

The 1-month marker came along, and I told Dr. B the meds were not doing anything. She proceeded to offer two options: increase the dose or try Concerta (methylphenidate) or a new SNRI-based ADHD drug called Effexor. Without batting an eye, I chose the former and came out with a bottle of 20 mg XRs.

The next month I told her the dose was working to avoid suspicion, but the following month I said it stopped working and was put on 30 mg XR without question. What more could an “uppers-guy” want? I had nearly 1 whole gram (900 mg) of amphetamines at my disposal each and every month, for a whopping $7.00 after insurance. One nice thing about being addicted to RX meds is that insurance will help a brother stay high. Oh, the American health system at its finest. I didn’t care if I was one of the several people pharmaceutical corporations secretly know will become addicted to their products. I was getting high at my disposal, that’s what mattered.


2014 – Current: Addiction

I have continued to abuse my script in large-dose, multiple-day binges on a monthly basis since my second dosage increase. A week or two of reckless stimulant binges followed by a week or two of narcoleptic withdrawals. When it was script day, the cycle would repeat. Occasionally I met with Dr. B, always telling her the meds were working wonders. If only she knew any of it.

‘My Last’ Adderall Binge

Unfortunately, I have relapsed since posting this. Wish me luck.

My final Adderall binge, EVER.

After being addicted to Adderall for 2.5 years now, I have seen past the rosy-cheeked aura of Adderall. I have hallucinated and gone sleepless for over 100 straight hours. I have seen the shadow people. But even worse, I have seen this pill slowly kill my soul. I find myself always thinking, “Adderall! Adderall! Adderall!” and not thinking about what really should matter most in my life. I’m serious about getting off speed after this binge. Restful Christmas and a appetite-full New Year.

 

AdderallXR8
30mg Adderall XR My Speed of Choice

 

Why I’m Quitting for Good

I have tried several times to just take my pills as prescribed, but once I begin to feel the speed, there is no stopping an adderaholic. I’ve spent countless hours pondering the situation, and have finally accepted the fact that I cant take amphetamine responsibly. I am an addict, and I must quit by making this my last script; by making 2015 end with my addiction.

After quitting Adderall a few times for more than 30 days, I have come to realize the withdrawal itself brings me fatigue, slight depression, and no motivation for maybe 1-2 weeks. That part is the easy part. What’s tough is the middle-of-the-night dreams about Adderall. The countless times I tell myself, “this would be so much better on Adderall,” or, “you’re not half the person you are on the addies.” The psychological addiction persists much longer, and that will present the biggest challenge. But enough sappy shit. I’m ready to do this, now on to having myself one more binge. Let’s get fucking spun!

image

^ me currently

The Last 7 Days

I awoke this morning around 11:00, having slept a solid 11 hours for the first time since last Monday, when I picked up the month’s usual Adderall script. It’s always 28 30mg XR capsules. While I was paying at the pharmacy counter, I kept telling myself, “This time you can do it. You can manage taking your meds as prescribed.” Not surprisingly, I was as delusional as any tweaker regarding my self-control.

Throughout the time since my last script I have pulled 3 all-nighters doing coding and playing video games. During all that I managed to have a productive work day and aced the shit out of my accounting exam. Tonight, exactly one week later I have 7 capsules left. I took one late this morning to get me going for my chemistry exam, then crushed and parachuted another 30 milligrams, once at 4, and once at 9.

30mg oral          11:00 AM
30mg crushed    4:00 PM
30mg crushed    9:00 PM

12:08 AM
I was feeling the comedown hard even after my 6 PM dose kicked in. I decided tonight would be the night for the beginning of the end of my speed-freakin days. Around 10:30 PM, I popped 2 30mg XRs, which have kicked in being that it’s just past midnight now. I am ready for the night ahead, that’s a given.

60mg oral        11:00 PM
60mg oral        12:50 AM
60mg oral          9:32 AM