I know it has been a while since I have posted anything, but I wanted to give you all an update on my current situation, and the strides I have made over the last couple of months quitting my favorite drug Adderall.
As you probably know, I’ve really struggled with quitting this shit, and I am happy to say I have been completely Adderall free for a little over two months now. To renew my prescription after the last script I got in May, I would have needed to go in for an appointment with my psychiatrist. Instead of continuing the cycle, I have purposefully avoided making any appointments or responding to any calls from the psychiatrist’s office. In essence, I’ve purposefully created an awkward situation between me and the office to discourage myself from ever contacting them, and it worked.
In addition, I have let my family in on my addiction, and have received a lot of support from them. This in and of itself has helped me a lot, as I now have family to talk to about it, and they understand why I may be more moody and depressed than usual, rather than thinking of other reasons as to why. I want to go into what the last two months have been like.
What it’s Been Like to Quit
So, I took my last Adderall pill sometime at the very beginning of June this year, and from that point on I have been completely amphetamine-free. Typically I only made it about two to three weeks without before getting more and repeating the addiction cycle.
The two weeks after that last dose I began a new job, and I will admit that was very difficult. I went through the typical crash/withdrawal symptoms that come after a heavy amphetamine consumption period (constant fatigue, no motivation, and extreme lack of excitement about anything, also known as anhedonia). This lasted for a good two weeks after cessation.
Then around week three I noticed I started to crave normal socialization and activities again, though in small doses. My anxiety was higher than ever and depression came and went in cycles of a few days where I would feel somewhat okay, and other days where I doubted whether it was worth being alive or if I would ever enjoy life again. Don’t let this discourage you, at this point of quitting is usually where I’d relapse. The hope of getting better sometimes seems far fetched at this period. It is a long process for your brain to repair itself and return to feeling pleasure and contentment without the constant surge of dopamine created by speed in your brain. Be patient.
After the First Month
I am not going to lie, I have used alcohol more in this period as a coping mechanism to deal with the roller-coaster brain that quitting amphetamines creates. You’ll feel unstable at this point. Now there will be several day periods where you feel amazing, like you are fully free of your drug problem and that life is awesome and that your social life is finally back. These days are often followed by deep depression, self-doubt and a feeling that you will never be happy again. Over time these extremes continue to level out and you will become more stable.
I am not advising you use alcohol to help through this period, but smoking a little weed can be very beneficial in silencing the super depressing thoughts that you will have. Remember, your brain is still healing.
Two Months Free
I am now a little over two months free of my amphetamine addiction, and I will admit this recovery is painfully long and sometimes you will feel like you might as well just go back to abusing speed because you want to feel that confidence and want to stop feeling so fucking empty. Remember that this is your worst enemy, and these are the thoughts that will be the hardest to fight if you ever want to stay off these drugs. They haven’t even yet vanished for me yet, but over the last two months, they have become both less frequent and less intense.
I won’t lie, while I have stopped thinking about Adderall on a daily basis, there are still minutes of random days that every bone in my body is telling me to score some Adderall and that that will make everything okay again. That is a lie, and you will throw away all of your progress the minute you give into that. Would you save up thousands of dollars for something just to throw it into a bonfire pit and light it on fire? It’s the same thing. Be proud of your freedom from this drug and embrace it. You won’t always feel great about this, but if you are having intense cravings, at least force yourself to ponder it for a few days before giving in. I guarantee that if you force yourself to wait for a long period of time before making a horrible and irrational decision, your cravings will dissipate for the time being. Don’t be impulsive. Easier said than done, but that is the only way I have made it this far.
I hope if you are quitting, that you have success at it. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I am realizing that just quitting drugs does not put an end to an addiction. You are going to live with this innate desire for your drug of choice for the rest of your life. You will be carrying these urges and fucked up thoughts with you for the rest of your life. I don’t mean to be cynical or demeaning, this is the truth. Until you accept this you will continue to relapse. The battle never ends, and you must stay strong at all times. I am no expert, but I hope the best for you. As for me, I must take this one day at a time. There is too much to life to waste it being a slave to this substance. The sooner you quit, the sooner you can direct your efforts at making for yourself the life you actually want, not a drug-induced dopamine-excess fake euphoria that destroys relationships and leaves you feeling worthless and empty every fucking time.