I Can’t Live Like This Anymore

It’s confession time. I have been coming to the realization lately that my problem with amphetamines is not going to go away even though I’ve made my mind up that I need to quit this shit. Let this serve as kind of a low-point in my dignity, but also a time to set some goals.

After abusing a good 14-16 30mg XRs from my script, I crashed hard the next day. Why is it that I always come back even though it takes forever for me to gain my natural energy back. So, what I really feel bad about is stealing 15-20 10mg Adderall tablets from a family member over the course of this Easter weekend. Once I got going I had no control, and my mind was focused on MORE ADDERALL more than it was enjoying the company of my family.

Other Issues

Some other issues my recent spike in abuse has brought upon are:

  • Losing weight (down to 140 from 150’ish)
  • Seriously whacked sleep schedule
  • Strained social life
  • Strained family life
  • Lack of any control whatsoever with amphetamine
  • School performance suffering greatly

I want my freedom back.

My use has gotten so bad that within the last year I started stealing my family member’s Adderall every time I visit, and at least pull one all-nighter. It disgusts me that I have come to rationalize this, and how much I use my family to feed this nightmare of an addiction.

I want back the days where I would come home and genuinely have my top priority be to spend time with my family and friends. Nowadays I’ll steal a dozen tablets, pop them, and become anti-social and work on shit for 12-14 hours. Nothing that ends up being meaningful the next day, though…

My life no longer has that genuine happy spark it used to. I’m either tired/unstimulated or I’m spun, and neither state is the real me. Much like a zombie I mindlessly consume these pills chasing a high that’s been gone since 2013.

What should I do?

Let my doctor know I abuse Adderall so she won’t prescribe me it anymore?

I definitely need to do this, as it would cut off my main supply. I can go weeks without Adderall but knowing it’s past the refill date and I could have a whole bottle of amphetamines in an hour is too tempting.

Join Narcotics Anonymous or Outpatient Rehab?

I have long been skeptical on whether or not I really need something this serious to get off these pills. I’m a full-time college student who works part time, and I’m not sure full-fledged meetings/appointments are what I’m ready for.

Tell my parents EVERYTHING.

I have been harboring this addiction from my family for over 4 years now. I just have not had the courage to face this problem of mine honestly and get support from those who care more for me than anyone in the world. I know they’ll be disappointed, but my parents would be hurt by the fact that I felt I couldn’t come to them for help with problems, especially one like this. I don’t know how to bring up this conversation.

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