This Time I’m Determined To Quit!

The Predicament

From the middle of August until late November I was able to completely stop taking Adderall for almost 3 months, which is the longest I have ever made it trying to quit this sinister drug. The withdrawals sucked only because I had 10 hour days to work right after crashing hard.

What really gets you is the overwhelmingly intense cravings that really don’t become so powerful until weeks after not taking amphetamines. Spending 4-5 days in a row dreaming about doing a bunch of addy, and then waking up realizing you have none and becoming really on edge. I’m absoloutely fucking sick of this drug having more power over my life than me, the one who’s living it. Fighting the psychological cravings is hard. It feels like somebody is in my head trying, at the most random moments, to talk you into just one little dose, for old time’s sake. “It can’t hurt, I can control myself with a small dose.” Within 6 hours I am doing 30-40mg every few hours and end up awake for 2 or 3 days. I’ve given in too many times to see the same fucking result.

Relationships

I am also noticing that being on this drug is straining my relationship with my family and friends. I am either depressed, lethargic and don’t want to do nearly anything; or I am too amped up to just chill and watch a movie. I’ll end up on the computer for 16-30 hours in a given binge and I am just short, non-conversational and non-emotional with them even if they are just trying to talk to me or bring me food or something nice. This is what has really been the last straw for me lately. I know that 2-3 weeks off of it and I can actually enjoy a good time without fiending around the clock. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel, yet I convince myself to walk the opposite direction.

Instead of spending as much quality time as I would have liked to with my family who I don’t see often this winter, I spend 15+ hours on the computer designing a website so tweaked that I had no actual written content, just a layout. Mind that my family is home and I chewed my own mother out for trying to persuade me to come eat dinner out with them since I skipped breakfast and lunch too. She’s never acted upset with how I react so insensitively to her caring gestires. That’s probably why I feel so bad about it. I would never act that way if I wasn’t tweaked out. I am disgusted with myself for becoming like this, yet a few days off the drug and I realize it was all the drugs.

The Plan

Because I cannot resist calling my psychiatrist for a refill eventually, and then fail my plans to moderate my usage from the second the first pill takes effect leading to a 3-5 day bender and subsequent crash, I am sending her a letter saying I am abusing my medication and that I should never be allowed to have it as a prescription again. Me and speed are from 0-120 MPH, and there is no speed in between. I hate slowing down, and I love getting jacked up. That’s why I have to leave this part of my life behind. It is just so much harder to quit than I could have ever imagined. A little speed habit can turn nasty after a few years.

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